Sketches on workfloor experiences in the NL

After being made redundant I decided to build a writing habit, which is something that I had in mind for a long time. Just had no self-discipline so far, which I'm going to fix! :) So, here FYI is my rant which I deliberately put here, so that I remember these experiences, stay aware and keep moving on to change myself and the environment.

• I’m the one who since moving to the NL has spent 95% of work exposure (8 years) as the only female and the only foreigner in homogenous systems in IT, investment management, and data, with 0 basic support structure or representation, inventing and figuring out everything on my own.

• I’m the one who in 2019 was publicly threatened by a psychopath Dutch male client in power, reported it, was gaslit (‘you misunderstood’) by management using attempts of distraction and buyouts, walked away into nothing and never really recovered.

• I’m the one who has changed jobs too often since, accepting wherever I landed and adjusting, and getting too disappointed having seen what was to be seen, and moving on.

• I’m the one who at workplace and in front of males in power (why are they in this position and what exactly are they doing there?), learned what “teabagging”, “lul”, “kloten” and “Prince Albert” piercing are, and the only collective reaction was unified ‘AHAHAHA! We zijn allemaal zulke kanjers en zijn zo ontzettend trots op elkaar. Alles is gaaf en tof.’, patting each other backs. Meanwhile, I was left to digest it all by myself, and when I raised something softly, the reflex response was classic victim blaming.

• I’m the one who asked colleagues for feedback, received 13 responses (guess from whom) telling me I should speak more Dutch (hey bro, it’s my 5th language, why again do YOU faint if you have to speak your 2nd?), be more sure of myself, and speak up more (grow a dick, gal). And got 0 requests to give feedback in return.

• I’m the one who refused to plead for a job from an employer that irresponsibly announced my redundancy just a couple of months after giving me a permanent contract, and then actually had to explain my decision to surprised people around. (hello humans, like really?)

• I’m the one who’s very tired and low on energy, who dared to call things what I think they are at home, and who just last week got told by my Dutch boyfriend: “So you just assume you’re somehow underprivileged, all you do is keep complaining.”

• I’m the one who can’t hold or swallow it anymore, who needs to put it here. Even if no one reads it. And who's at the edge of radicalization / polarization but still aware enough to try to bring it back to balance.

• And I’m the one who has to regroup and figure it out again. And I will :)

But this time, I will do it differently.
• I will search for structure and support, and build them.
• I will explicitly address what I see. Immediately.
• I will become difficult and stop bottling it all inside (I have to learn this almost from scratch since I was trained from childhood to comfort others at my own expense).
• I will keep my environment accountable (especially those in power) for its actions and inactions.

And if that makes me “too much” for some people, I have to learn to stop caring. I've tolerated too much and for too long. I’m sick and tired, so now I have to spit it out.

For those assuming that I'm assuming :), you can start reading here:
• The Lovelace Report 2025
• Intersectionality
• Critical theory
• Social privilege
• Systemic bias